A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

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A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Shrykespeare on Fri Apr 03, 2009 6:06 am

Hey everyone. I work at one of those places where I get humorous e-mails on a regular basis from several co-workers. Some are cute, some are pretty lame, and some are drop dead funny. So I thought I'd start a thread where we can share our favorite jokes, as well as new ones that cross our paths and make us laugh uncontrollably.


To start off, here's one I just got today.

"POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES"

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyeone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN-STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN-STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program, the governmetn pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the second one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their classes at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You hve two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run 100 MPH. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

CANADIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They produce lots of milk, but since the dairy industry is subsidized by the government, milk is sold at a low price.
Thousands of Americans enter the country hoping to score some cheap milkshakes.
You beat them back across the border with a hockey stick.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have every single cow in Afghanistan, which is two.
You can't milk them, because you're not allowed to touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production buy use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks it's French, other times it's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow askes permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking cow.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one better accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out of state tell you which one you think is the bset-lookng cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by BarcaRulz on Fri Apr 03, 2009 6:22 am

I heard those before.. Especially love the French and Italian ones.

A little boy is sitting at home one Sunday, and he quickly gets bored. He soon goes around the house to check up on his family. He walks in on his mom in the kitchen, she is cooking a turkey, and while he is there she burns here hand and says "F uck".. So the kid asks her "What does f uck mean?" and the mother replies "it means cooking"...

He then goes to see his father who was shaving. As the kid walks in the father cuts himself and says "S hit". The kid then asks his father "What does S hit mean?" and the father replies "it means shaving"...

He then goes to see his brother. He walks into his room and sees his PC has a huge message on it "D icks and P ussys", so the boy asks his brother what it means, and the kid replies "it means hats and coats"...

He then goes to see his sister who is rambling on the phone. He walks in just in time to hear her say "..those bitches and bastards..", and when he asks her what it means, she replies "men and women"...

Happy with his new extensive vocab, the boy goes to play with his train set when he hears the doorbell ring. It's the neighbours who have come over for diner. They boy, wanting to flaunt his new speaking skills then says:
"Hello you bitches and bastard, you can hang your d.icks and p.ussies on the coathanger. My parents will be here shortly, so please wait in the living room while my father s.hits his beard off in the bathroom, and my mother is done f.ucking the turkey in the kitchen.."

Obama’s already starting to make his mark after winning the recent presidential election. The national bird of America has been changed from the Bald Eagle to fried chicken.

----

Boomerangs are making a comeback.

----

Two Irish men find a mirror in the road.

First one picks it up and says "I know this face but can't put a name to it."

Second one picks it up and says "it's me you fool!!!!"



I apologize to our female members, but these ARE funny:

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

AND THE BEST ONE!!





In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Shrykespeare on Fri Apr 03, 2009 6:30 am

You're right, some of those are pretty offensive. I do like the "Always Right" one, though.

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by undeadmonkey on Fri Apr 03, 2009 8:08 am

I thought some of these were pretty funny



Confucius Say:





*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in
Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by BarcaRulz on Fri Apr 03, 2009 8:56 pm



So wrong.. On SO many levels.. Laughing

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Donte77 on Fri Apr 03, 2009 11:20 pm

That guy is my idol!!!!

Here is one of my favorite jokes EVER!

If women with big tits work at Hooters, where to women with one leg work?




Spoiler:
IHOP.


hahahahahhahaha
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Donte77 on Fri Apr 03, 2009 11:21 pm

oh and my favorite Confucius Say joke is

Man with erection who walks into turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Shrykespeare on Fri Apr 03, 2009 11:30 pm

Here you go, MANLY men of the Fantaverse.


The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Buscemi on Sat Apr 04, 2009 1:03 pm

BarcaRulz wrote:


He was shooting blanks.

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Buscemi on Sat Apr 04, 2009 1:10 pm


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"Dare to be stupid."- Weird Al Yankovic

My DVD's: http://damntheseloginnames.dvdaf.com/

The film lasts 99 minutes. The terror lasts forever.
Paranormal Activity
Now playing in select cities, coming soon everywhere.

Don't see it alone.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by A_Roode on Sat Apr 04, 2009 7:47 pm

If you have the time, I recommend this two part comedy set from Jeremy Hotz. He's a favourite of mine and the best part in this routine is his assessment of a visit to the Dentist:



and the conclusion

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Shrykespeare on Sun Apr 05, 2009 12:14 pm

Love this:


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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by NSpan on Mon Apr 06, 2009 11:55 am


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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Donte77 on Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:46 pm

That dude is hilarious Roodey. I was tearing up.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by BarcaRulz on Tue Apr 07, 2009 3:45 am

Here's some from a guy I like called Rhod Gilbert:




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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by A_Roode on Tue Apr 07, 2009 6:05 pm

Glad you liked him Donte! I heard him on the radio driving home one day from work and just about went off the road.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by NSpan on Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:12 am



What 23 Famous Movie Characters Would be Doing Today

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Buscemi on Thu Apr 09, 2009 2:19 am

I really want to be in Red and Andy's shoes right now.

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The film lasts 99 minutes. The terror lasts forever.
Paranormal Activity
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Don't see it alone.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Donte77 on Thu Apr 09, 2009 3:54 am

I feel like a goon but it took me about 15 seconds to get the winning photo N-Span. Embarassed

My personal fave is Darth Vader shooting his brains out.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by geezer9687 on Thu Apr 09, 2009 3:56 am

Does anyone mind if I rename this "A funny thing happened on the way to the Forum"?

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Buscemi on Thu Apr 09, 2009 3:57 am

I originally didn't get #7, then I realized it had to do with Dazed and Confused.

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My DVD's: http://damntheseloginnames.dvdaf.com/

The film lasts 99 minutes. The terror lasts forever.
Paranormal Activity
Now playing in select cities, coming soon everywhere.

Don't see it alone.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Donte77 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 2:42 am

geezer9687 wrote:Does anyone mind if I rename this "A funny thing happened on the way to the Forum"?

Have at it, I doubt anybody minds.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by BarcaRulz on Fri Apr 10, 2009 7:33 am

Should probably watch the trailer for Where the Wild Things Are before watching this.. The caption is "Spike Jonze turns another beloved childrens story into a movie"..



Laughing

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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Buscemi on Fri Apr 10, 2009 7:56 am

I never read the book but the unicorn seems awesome.

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The film lasts 99 minutes. The terror lasts forever.
Paranormal Activity
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Don't see it alone.
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Post by Donte77 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 10:32 pm

I would watch that movie as long as it was only 20 minutes or so. Smile
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Re: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

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